Thursday, August 29, 2013

Sufferings





As a young woman I find myself in an interesting place. I have stepped into a life with Christ intimately and fully as  an adult and I have a trail of painful memories and  experiences in my past that I have to sometimes daily work through. It almost feels like another persons memories and life experience have been put inside of me and I have to deal with them. I have learned so much about the human person, human dignity, chastity, purity, the Relationship that IS the Trinity, what true love is, what sacrifice means, what Truth is; all from my sweet sweet Holy Mother, the Catholic Church. She has kept the Truth guarded and present for me (and all) and now I have learned what life means and who I am in Him, the very Creator of the universe. But I am left with a trail of tears from my past. Today for the first time I heavily identified with the Blessed Mother. This is where it all started. I was sitting around thinking:

" Why God, why do I have ALL of this baggage, all of this pain that I have to know is my past"
  " How come the culture lied to me and told me things would fill me but they just rotted away inside me"
          " Why did the schools teach me horrible things in sex ed classes that skewed the truth of the human body and made wonderful and intimate gifts into something that resembled
 frog anatomy posted on the wall"
" Why me, why me why me"


I know that Christ died for my sins. I know that I am forgiven and that those sins do not have a hold on my soul.  But you just cant get away from your "old" self nowadays with social media and the world becoming  smaller and smaller through social media. I mean even back in 360 AD Mary of Egypt a great Saint of the church had a massive conversion and went and lived in the desert for the rest of her life. Even back then before social media there were people that just had to get away.  Now I LOVE Mary of Egypt and Im not trying to say her path of redemption was wrong but for me I know that God doesnt give us a spirit of fear but of courage and today God showed me something. He showed me that the way I was looking at my past was through the lens of the world. He is calling me to look at myself through His eyes and through the Truth, Hes calling me to look at Him. 

Then I came across a beautiful youtube video of the Seven Sorrows of Mary. Oh my goodness, Christ answered me in the words and images of The Blessed Mother. These questions came to me 

  Did Mary plan for her life to look as it did? 
Did Mary hope for pain and sorrow?
Did she plan on a virginal pregnancy where others probably scoffed at her and talked about 
her behind her and Josephs back? 
Did she plan on having to leave the only home she knew to have her only child in a stable and then to flee and have hundreds of babies slaughtered on the road behind them? 
Did Mary plan on raising a child away from her mother? 
Did Mary plan on one day losing her God Son in the temple? 
Did she plan on the pain and complete sorrow of watching Him die on a torture device right before her eyes?

My mind was flooded with these questions and for the first time I saw myself standing with Mary. Christ has washed my sins away which I already knew but this time I could really see my self as pure, living righteously and separated from my sins. They are a sad sad part of my history but they will be my sorrows, my sufferings, my crown of thorns, my sword that pierces my heart, my cross that I lay over the mighty abyss and walk across to Christ, my cross that I kiss and carry as best as I am capable. As Mary had her sufferings that drew her closer to the Lord I also have mine. Now I know my sufferings are due to sin where Mary's are not due to her sin but the sin of the world, but like I said before, my sins are not my sins anymore, theyve been washed away (praise God) but I do have sorrow and sufferings and I can now see how the cross that I bare resembles the cross that Christ bares. The sufferings that pierce my heart resemble the sufferings that pierce Marys heart. It is the pain of this life, the fallen nature which is just part of this created world.

I might have the same pain of memories or thoughts come up again but now I feel like Christ is drawing me in closer letting me take part in His dear Mothers sufferings and one day maybe even His own.

I praise you dear Jesus and thank You for showing me the sorrow of Your Blessed Mother so that I may know that I am not alone and that my sufferings will not exist to torture me but to be a channel for Your grace.

Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for God is at work in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure Phil. 2:12-13

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