Wednesday, April 24, 2013

That voice in your head




I wrote this short story after a dear friend told me I needed "do away with" the voice in my head that is negative and hurtful. The voice that most of us accumulate over time. I wanted to share it now with you and hope that it touches your ehart the way it touched mine as I wrote it.

The hidden road seemed to be there in plain sight to me. Though many would pass it, there it stood calling to me like an unwanted companion that refused to leave. My feet rarely could keep away from the black gravel that covered the old dirt road. The sharp and piercing branches scratching me along the way, pulling at my clothes and hair yet my body pressing on as if pulled by some force beyond my control. The wind whispering through the leaves speaking words of poison in my ears

“You are worthless
How dare you love yourself
Who are you to say no when you don’t want to do something”

I grasp my ears and my body flinches from the pain of the familiar words, though my feet press on. Terrifying images dwell upon this hidden road. I see terrible and ugly creatures torturing innocents young and old. To the right, images of forced expectations filled with manipulations. I close my eyes but I can still see it all, embedded in my mind.
The feeling of scratching branches suddenly becomes grabbing hands and clenched fists. I cannot escape. I cry out but no one hears me. My voice is silenced by the desires of others. I am alone, I am forgotten, and I am invisible.
Suddenly in front of me down the path a figure appears. She slowly makes her way toward me. She smells of death and is dragging something behind her slowly. As she gets closer she seems almost beautiful, but as I look as her I see a most terrifying smile on her face, wicked and evil. She gestures to the bag behind her and turns back and points at me. I feel alone and scared. She seems to have a power over me. Then I realize what she is saying to me. She wants me to be in the bag, trapped and lifeless. As if she knows what I’m thinking her smile widens and her eyes brighten. I try to run but I cant, I try to scream but I have no voice.
Then all around me the evil images come closer and closer, the innocent ones disappear and all the ugliness and torturous desires are aimed at me. .I hear the wind again

“You are worthless
How dare you love yourself
Who are you to say no when you don’t want to do something”

I look at the woman in front of me as her smile fades and her lips begin to move with the wind. I feel overcome, overpowered. She is the one, she is the wind, she is the power behind these torturers, and she created this road for me.
My knees get weak and I begin to fall. The terrifying creatures are getting closer and the sky is getting darker. She hovers over me whispering terrible things. I am surrounded, I have no choices, and no one cares about me, only about themselves. I can’t say no, I can’t care about what I need, I am ugly and unwanted. I begin to see people from my whole life. They are coming close to me and begin to yell at me…

“I want you to do this and I don’t care if you don’t want to”
“You are nothing and no one cares about you”
“No one will ever really love you and no one will ever want to get to
know you”
“You are a failure and I will always be disappointed in you”


I cover my ears but the screaming has become part of me now, I cannot get away.The wind blows again and I hear the words that hurt the most

No one would miss you if you were gone
They would only miss needing you or using you
You mean nothing

I begin to weep…to sob. I feel light headed and weak and no one cares. The woman before me pulls her bag toward me. The road has become pitch black now. All I can see is nothingness all around me and all there is are sounds.
But then there appears a light, a small iridescent light way off in the distance. It is warm and peaceful. I can feel my hand upon my chest; my heart in agony. Then deep in my heart I hear a voice

“They all want and need you to be this way so that they can survive. They are preying upon you. But you don’t have to do this. You don't have to live this way.”

The voice is so sure and so loving. I look deep into the light. I speak through my heart to this light

"Can I really stand up?"

The voice responds

"Yes"

I ask the light

"Will you help me?"

Again, it responds to me

"Yes I will"

I begin to feel strength returning to my body. As I begin to push off the ground I hear screeching and screaming. The light slowly grows consuming the darkness. I can see the woman standing over me. All the people and creatures have vanished. The woman has lost her wicked smile. She looks angry. But I hold onto the words spoken to me. I look her dead in the eyes and say

"You have no power over me
You can not hurt me any longer
I have listened to you most of my life and all you have given me is pain
You have worked through others and you have worked through me
But from now on you are dead to me
You no longer exist."

She doesn't move. She stands there with fury surrounding her. The small light has flooded me. I can feel it all around me. I feel safe and strong. I don’t feel stupid or confused. I realize she has to go away, she has to die. I don’t want to kill her. I feel sad for her and I don’t want to hurt anyone. Suddenly the voice in my heart speaks very strongly

She is not a person
She is manifested evil
She can not be forgiven or loved
She is not in true reality

I look at her and realize I have had a misplaced sympathy all this time for her and she preyed upon that. With that I spoke the light to her

The light is my true love
He is my saving love
You don’t exist
Go away and never come back

She vanishes before me as does every scary and disturbing thing. The road is not cheerful but it is peaceful and I walk on the road. I, the true and real me walks on this road and I am safe and I am allowed to love myself, the light is teaching me.



Saturday, April 20, 2013

Anxiety





I desire righteousness not understanding...my mantra for the day. One of those days of deep breathing and tightly squeezed eyes while my heart beats quick in my chest. Past memories, trying to understand purpose of those times, trying to figure out "who I am" are all plaguing me today. But as I found myself deep in the old familiar confusing place of trying to figure everything out and things not making very much sense to me the thought came to me how God loves the cry of praise from the heart that is hurting or the soul that doesnt feel joyful. So I raised my heart up and praised Him for being Him and suddenly the mantra came to me: I desire righteousness not understanding for He gives peace that surpasses understanding and I felt so much more at peace. Then its like God was explaining to me that its His job to figure it all out and its my job to  just try to make righteous choices and to trust in His Truth and His mercy. Mercy has always bothered me alittle bit because it  made me feel like I was so bad and I needed this MERCY to come down and make me something better. But His mercy is just that He loves me so much and sees all that I have to go through and He is so awesome that He doesnt want to let me just sit here alone and have to go through this alone. He comes and sits with me and gives me peace, so that i can function and thrive.c

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Depression



Having a very hard day today. Depression seems to be over coming my thoughts and my actions. Im feeling like Im not good enough, like I  never do enough, feeling incapable. That anxious feeling I have gets my heart pounding faster when I let it in. Ive done some things to try to stop the wheel thats turning in my head...

I did a reading lesson with my son
Made a quiche
In the process of letting homemade bread rise
Cut pieces for my sons quilt Im working on
Washed the table cloth and laid it back on the table all pretty and clean

But through doing those things all I can think about are all the things Im supposed to be doing or what I think my family wants me to be doing. I tell my son whenever he gets something in his mind and cant stop thinking about it that he has to try to stop the wheel from turning by doing something or trying to think of something else. So Im trying to take my own advice and bake, sew, clean but it is hard to stop that darn wheel. Its amazing how no matter what changes in a persons life there is always a struggle. For me my struggle in tightly related to my thyroid levels. I missed a few days of my Armour and Im now feeling it.  Its so important to remember that these feelings are going to pass and that in a few days I will not feel the same...heck in a few hours Ill probably feel alittle better.  
This is what I need to remember

I am loved
I have great purpose because I exist
I may not be doing AB or C but I am doing something
                 like making yummy homemade bread for my family
I have 4 people that I can help to feel loved and nurtured every day, in a way that only I can!

Im going to be ok. Im going to feel better  soon and even if I dont I can remember that its just a feeling or some type of imbalance with in my body and it will level out. And in the mean time my house is clean, my kids are fed and are playing and my husband has lunch and a love note on his computer from his wife and here I am writing and enjoying sitting with nice posture for one :) Its gonna be ok.

Thank You Lord for showing my purpose and my value
(I like to share these feelings to help other women know theyre not alone in their daily lives and struggles-it ALWAYS encourages me when I hear another women share her hardships to know that I am not the only one and that she and I do not have to go at this alone)