Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Discipleship



Recently I was reading the Catechism of the Catholic Church and I came across an interesting part on discipleship.

2233 Becoming a disciple of Jesus means accepting the invitation to belong to God's family, to live in conformity with His way of life: "For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother, and sister, and mother."

This really got me thinking. I started saying to myself "why did you become a disciple of Jesus Christ?"

The lingo of a Christian is so  over used today in movies, books and just with one another that some times great big important words like disciple can get passed over with out a second thought. But when I considered discipleship in the way that the first men and women followed Jesus suddenly I could not relate with being a disciple of Jesus Christ. It seemed so foreign, so important, so life changing. Did I really change when I became a disciple? Was I truly a disciple? It really got me thinking. So I headed back into my memories and tried to think of my first moments of discipleship.

When I was 10 years old I was baptized in a Baptist Church. I was baptized in the name of the Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, so it was valid and in following of Sacred Scripture. And I remember going to my class to prepare and seeing a little picture of a man walking on a narrow road toward the sunset. I remember the Pastor being in the little room preparing for the service and praying with us and I felt so special. I remember being disappointed when the Assistant Pastor baptized me because I wanted the Head Pastor to do it. LOL. I remember seeing the Pastor at a Chinese restaurant after the service and being shocked that he left the church. I thought he must stay there all the time. I didnt know Holy men left the Holy building LOL...too funny! In my little 10 year old mind and heart I knew that I wanted Jesus to take away all the things I had done that were wrong in my life and I really believed he could do it. This was the beginning of my baby discipleship :) As I got older I became confused of who Jesus was and what He did because conflicting messages I got from different churches and people. I think my discipleship changed into wanting to be part of a community and having people think I was good and acceptable.  But I remember always feeling like a fraud around other Christians. I didnt quite have in my mind and heart what they seemed to have.

This sense of being in a community that I craved was something that I was born with; a DEEP need for others. I desired to know people to their deepest core. I couldnt have acquaintances...it just wasnt enough. I dont really remember having friendships growing up that ever felt deep enough for me. I was kind of weird LOL, because I was so overly expressive and borderline depressive that I had a very hard time relating with other people. The idea of knowing Jesus was confusing because He wasnt alive(or so I thought) and I wanted a living breathing someone who could know me and be known by them to the depths of their being. I was alittle intense and I didnt really understand myself as I do now since I was young.

When I was older and was invited  to  a Catholic Church. I was in AWE of everything in the church, the Holy water, the Baptismal font, the big cross with the sleepy hanging Jesus on it(ha), the statues, the big box(altar) up on the stage(sanctuary) with glowing candles every where...it was like a performers dream come true! And the Pastors had fancy robes with all kinds of hidden meanings on them! It was FANTASTIC! Not to mention the daily Masses in the small mystical Chapel where people would come so early in the morning while holding pretty sparkling beads and where beautiful smelling roses were placed all over! It was a joyful dream for a person like me with such a deep desire to know and be known. I felt like it was the ultimate expression of loving the people of the church and of adorning the home of this God they loved so much, the God that I had yet to really know and to love.

Time went by and I decided to become Catholic after attending 2 Masses and I learned more about God and the church but most of the information I received was "fluff" not very deep and very watered down. I still had yet to have that deep desire of love met. I searched the hearts of those around me and just felt a great lack in my ability to love others and the ability of others to love me. Its a hard feeling to express.

By the way, the love I am talking about is not Romantic comedy movie kind of love. I actually have never been a fan of these movies. The love in them always seemed so superficial. I always preferred a good action movie because atleast the characters fought to the death for one another and expressed great charity for their friends or companions. I remember the first time I saw The Last of the Mohicans; I was prepared for this amazing action romance with the most amazing love story ever, atleast this is what every woman I knew went on and on about especially with the main character  Hawkeye. Well as I watched the movie I kept waiting for this Hawkeye guy to be a love to last all ages but he kept falling flat on his face in my book. But then came the character that spoke so deeply to my heart... Major Duncan Heyward. He voluntarily is burned alive so the heroine can live. I just sat there as Hawkeye and Cora run away together as Major Heyward is hanging on a cross burning as a human sacrifice in place of Cora. I literally said outload..."Honey you picked the wrong guy." That was love. That was beyond this world kind of love. I had yet to know that deep love of Christ for me but it was imaged in a secular movie and my heart surged at this type of love. 

The Church in her long life as Christs bride was a love that I had yet to tap into but I could tell there was something mysterious and unfathomable about the Church. She was so open armed in love with her children and yet firm and unshakable in the convictions that Christ had laid down for her to follow. There was a romance there that was deep between Christ and His bride the Church. I felt like an outsider looking in. Everytime I went to confession, after becoming Catholic I felt like I was pretending. I wanted to dive in deeper into each sacrament but there was a wall inside myself that seemed to keep me captive. Other people couldnt really relate to me or they would say things like "you're so good" or "Ive never thought about it like that" when I would try to explain myself. I knew I wasnt good or that I was better than anyone but there was  a yearning that wouldnt leave me alone but that also wouldnt permit me to enter into this intimate place with Christ. I felt in some ways that I was having a relationship with Hawkeye, to go back to the Last of the Mohicans. It seemed exciting and fresh and somewhat adventurous but it didnt make the cut.I  was desiring the love that is defined in the Catechism:

1823 Jesus makes charity the new commandment.96 By loving his own "to the end,"97 he makes manifest the Father's love which he receives. By loving one another, the disciples imitate the love of Jesus which they themselves receive. Whence Jesus says: "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you; abide in my love." And again: "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you."98

I wanted that kind of love, to give and to receive. All the people I met were kind and polite but I wanted  the love described above. I wanted to love with the love that the Father loved the Son with. I would try to be in company with others and love them with this deep love but it just got awkward like I was barring my soul and they were just trying to find out what city I was born in. I wanted to know who they were in their soul and they were ready to share with me the names of their siblings and general information. It was so difficult to have relationships with others without having to just put on a front and be charitable with BOUNDARIES all over the place. 

Now I have to say when you have a personality like I do and a desire like I do it is a complete necessity to know about Original sin, the fallen world and concupiscence. I was trying to experience the world like it was the one before Adam and Eve ate the apple and let me tell you I got myself into all kinds of trouble without even knowing it. I couldn't figure out what the other desire I had was. I had of course the desire I explained above to love deeply but I also had this other desire to be a DEEP mess of a person. I had a desire for the depression I was prone to. I would wallow in it and play Fiona Apple songs and cry for an hour straight and not understand what was wrong with me. A thought would come into my head that was just evil in nature(we know where or should I say who that thought came from) and I would wonder for hours why I thought that, what that meant about me and who I was. 

This is where the love of my mother the Church came into play. Like a good mother, she told me the Truth. I learned about the fallen nature of the world and about concupiscence. I remember the first time I learned about concupiscence; I was overjoyed!It was so great to finally have a name for this feeling or way about myself that I could never quite explain before. 

Me, with all my desires to love, be loved and to be a mess didnt make any sense until it all started pointing to the sense of Another out there, a Someone that could fulfill these things in me. Someone to love me intensely, someone that I could love without boundaries and someone to take all of my mess and sculpt a master piece.

But how you may ask could I know this or understand that there was Another. There has to be a way to know past Church teaching, Sacred Scripture and Tradition...there just has to be something that speaks to our nature. It all points to the incarnation, when God became man, and how the incarnation affected every single person in all the world over all time. I had glimpses of this incarnational experience with others but could never define it or put a name to it. I could sense this specifically with my spouse, when he would love me past my mess ups  and not the fluffy love but the real deep love that stays with you and continues to have a life with you even when you arent enough all the time. My heart longed for this, my whole being knew that love couldnt stop, it couldnt have an end. But I always seemed to have an end whether it was my struggle with my past or my deep struggle with depression.

There was a point in my life where I was really low and struggling with alot of depression and just confusion about so many things and I attended a meeting. It was called School of Community or Communion and Liberation. I started going when a new friend invited me and honestly everything everyone said went way over my head and I literally couldnt even follow anything they said. I thought it was because the material was too intellectual but I know now that it was such an intense and almost unrecognizable experience that I just didnt even know where to place it in my mind and heart. I came back though again and again. And funny enough I would get angry when I went. These people were so real, so honest, they talked to you past all the polite banter and normal conversation, something that I had been craving for so long and yet it was painful to experience because it was one word ...AUTHENTIC. All the walls that I built up, all the wrong things about God and people I had learned started to get chipped away at and that can hurt even though its a good thing. I would go every week and end up in tears trying to explain myself and everytime I thought I had some concept of Christianity down they would break it open and desire to hear the heart of the issue I was talking about and not just the cliche words I was putting on it. There was one time in particular that I went to CL and again I was crying and feeling angry and I just couldnt get out what I was trying to say and they wouldnt give up on me. It was like they saw me. They saw me even more than I could see myself. I was in a room with Christ. The incarnation was affecting me in that moment. I was having an experience with the living God through the flesh of another. I was expereincing the love that I had desired. And they let me love them. They let me love them, the way Christ would let me love him, with humility and honest affection. This...this was the experience that the first disciples must have experienced with Christ...a knowing that this Man knew them to their core and loved them. He delighted in them. He changed them by being with them. I was changed in that moment. 


I am following a Man that is alive. I am following a Man that died yet lives now. I am following a God that permeates my very self with His acknowledgment that I exist, that I am a someone, that I am someone to delight in. This is where I have become His disciple...in His Divinity of course, but its in His humanity that He reaches me, in His humanity that He reaches me through another person. He tells me the Truth, He loves me and He lets me really REALLY love Him. Everything makes sense in Him, who I choose to follow because He reached out and loved me anf told me the Truth. 

I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Being a parent


Parenting is HUGE! It is the most powerful, beautiful, difficult, crazy, loving, hurtful relationships you can participate in. For me, parenthood is a heavy responsibility that I constantly feel that Im failing at. 
    
Since my first born came into existence and I was made aware by the positive pregnancy test I became a fearful nut. I had to take progesterone shots to support the pregnancy. Our first pregnancy ended in a miscariage, a chemical pregnancy where the baby dies right around the time of conception but the body still shows signs of pregnancy for a while, for us it was 10 weeks, which is VERY long for chemical pregnancies. So when we became pregnant again I was a wreck of nerves. We told all of our friends in our church community as soon as we found out. My husband wanted to make sure that we had a great Christian support system to be there for us especially if anything was to happen (with our miscarriage he was on deployment and it just wasnt a good situation with local friendships...and I hit a horrible depression). We wanted to celebrate this new little life and have others around us that would celebrate life and support us to.

I remember sitting with my husband waiting for the doctor to come in to preform an ultrasound after we found out my progesterone levels were low. My husband held my hand and talked about us preparing ourselves for if the screen was empty like it was last time. He caressed my hand and said he was there for me. We were nervous. Then suddenly there it was...that teeny tiny heartbeat fluttering. So strong yet so small. I didnt have a magical moment like in the movies but it was more like Reality struck...this was real. There was a little person inside me and I couldnt just sit back and be pregnant, I had to be proactive and get my blood tested every 2 weeks and drive 45 minutes to get progesterone shots every 2 weeks at the hospital for 35 weeks of our pregnancy. From the beginning of my "open to life" moments I have been filled with the fear of the loss of the very life that I was saying yes to. Fertility became something so precious and so powerful, something to be in awe of, not something to be controlled and/or suppressed. 
    
After 9 months of worry and stress and excitement and anticipation came my 35 hour back labor all natural birth of our first born son. Even labor was harder than I anticipated. I remember being so exhausted I couldnt get really excited after he was born and didnt bond for a month. I struggled with feelings of pain and worry as to how I could be a good mother. I couldnt be a good wife. I had so much baggage and pain that I was carrying into motherhood that I knew for sure this sweet innocent baby wasnt given a fair advantage...here he was with a mess of a mother. I couldnt bond with him for a month. I kept listening to everyone who said "dont put him in bed with you, he'll never sleep in his own bed" or "dont let him pacify on you, only give him a pacifier" I was a wreck. Finally I called my NFP counselor and told her how I was feeling and she calmed all my fears and told me I was experiencing post partum depression which was very normal for women who had to take progesterone shots during pregnancy. She recommend I receive a progesterone shot. Between the progesterone shot, some sleep(my mom came) and me throwing out all that ridiculous information people told me(not to co-sleep or nurse on demand) I started to experience a change. I looked at my little baby boy and for the first time thought "Oh my goodness, you are so cute." Its like I could really see him for the first time. I fell in love. I still had a lot of personal stuff I had to work through but I began falling in love with him.
   My second pregnancy was the same but my progesterone levels were even lower and the shots were not absorbing so I began a round of trying different things, shedding lots of tears and worrying about our little baby in utero. But so many beautiful things happened during my pregnancy with her. We moved to an amazing Catholic university town and I learned SO MUCH  about myself. I learned that I was a person with a body and soul, I learned about femininity and masculinity away from the cultural confusion out there that I had learned in school and the media. I learned what marriage really meant and how I was really living out a vocation with this other person and trying to get him to heaven, not just a relationship based on mutual understanding, commonalities and pleasurable sex like all the Romance movies out there tell you its suppose to be like. My husband and I entered into a deeper place in our relationship filled with pulling off masks, opening up painful doors, pulling up old weeds that didnt want to budge.
  
When our daughter was born at home(intended homebirth with the best midwife in the world) I hit rock bottom again the first week. Now I had a daughter and all I could think about was the horrific world I was bringing her into. All the pain and all the problems that young women face in our culture of death and lies(I know thats strong language. but its how I felt). My mother came and we had some heart to heart talks about some things that I was feelings and our relationship grew to a deeper level. My husband counseled me through some misconceptions I had about ideas of myself and the Church(he was receiving a degree in Theology at the time. He was like my personal speaking Catechism and Bible).
   
At that point I was holding everything all together with having long hair and wearing skirts and watching the Duggars on t.v. I really felt that my female Christian walk as a mother would only be acceptable to God and to the world if I looked like an ideal Christian woman, hiding some deep pain in my heart. My husband was patient with me. He knew I didnt need to do these things. I remember asking him once how he would like me to act and look. He told me to just be myself. I asked him "what if you dont like me for who I really am?" He looked at me and said " Rhianon it would be better for you to be yourself even if I didnt like your personality, than you pretending to be somebody else. You need to be you"  That sounds like love to me. At the time in all my hormonal thinking I dont know if I believed him but I sure do now :)
    
Going back to after I had our daughter. When she was 5 months I was struggling so bad with depression that I went to the doctor and told him he had to do something and figure out what was wrong because I knew something was very wrong. I explained everything to him and he said it sounded like a thyroid issue. He checked my thyroid TSH level and it came back in normal levels but he kept checking. He then checked my T4 which most doctors wont go back and check if your TSH come back in normal range but he was great and knew I was really struggling. And then he found it. My T4 was the problem. I got on thyroid medication and oh my goodness...it was like waking up to a world you never knew existed. I remember thinking "Is this how other people experience the world" I could do so much. I could feel emotions at a calm normal level and I could handle situations so much better. Life continued and I felt way better. I started working out, went back to school and took a class in Biblical Archaeology...very interesting! Then found out we were expecting again! Surprise! But this pregnancy was very different since I was taking Armour thyroid medication. I didnt cry all the time feeling like a failure. I only had to take progesterone for the first 3 months and I had a super easy labor! Our third baby second son was born at home and the kids ran in right after and were jumping up and down welcoming their little baby brother into our home!
   Life has gotten easier is some ways with the right thyroid levels but there is still a place where my life meets Christ and I find myself struggling against him. I parent my children like I am it, I am the one that will make or break them. I worry constantly that my fussing at them today for not picking up toys will result with them  not being able to tell someone no someday and getting into a horrible situation that they cant get out of. I worry that when I leave them with a trusted babysitter that I could be harming their future becasue they didnt have me at their side to explain something. All these thoughts are suffocating.
   
But tonight I was thinking about Gods will and how He grants us glimpses of His will and sometimes even lets us participate. Like with NFP, he gives us a glimpse at how He created the cycles in a womans body and how amazing and intricate the hormone levels fluctuate but in the end its just a glimpse because life is a gift not a right that is owed to me. His will is the deciding factor in whether or not my husband and I will conceive a baby. He gives a glimpse into pregnancies with progesterone support but in the end His will is perfect and ultimately He is the giver of life and He knows when or if the baby in utero is called to His mercy early. And in parenthood, He gives us a glimpse into the psychology of children and the parent-child dynamics etc. but in the end His Will is there tugging at the child's heart, alluring them to Him; their ultimate love and life.
    I am thankful to have the Church, the body of Christ and her wonderful teachings to guide and to protect my life and dignity and the life and dignity of my children and my marriage. Its a constant struggle and hard hard work being a wife and mother but staying close to Jesus in the Eucharist, knowing Him, learning about Him in Church Tradition and Scripture and experiencing Him in others like at a Communion and Liberation community I had the joy of being a part of in Steubenville, OH, is the way to peaceful inner life. Being with Him in these different ways leads me to be present for my husband and children and for myself so that I can be the true me and the woman that God is calling me to be.

I know this was an eternal post but if you made it this far, I want to say thank you for reading this and for sharing a little piece of my world. I pray and hope that this post will meet another mother who may be struggling with similar  issues. If thats the case, feel free to email me at Faithfulcatholic@yahoo.com! I love you all and am so happy that we get to be on this adventure of life together and I hope that we all get to experience the eternal peace of heaven forever together in Christ who will strengthen us in times of pain and struggle!! I can think of nothing sweeter but being in His arms for all eternity!

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Conversion thoughts

Jennifer Fulwiler!! What an inspiration! I have been watching every interview I can find on youtube featuring Jennifer Fulwiler. For any of you that dont know her she is a Catholic convert from atheism . I have strongly identified with her conversion. She came from an atheistic home where her father always encouraged her to seek the Truth no matter what. I could really identify with this. I was not raised atheist but I did have parents who always encouraged me to seek the Truth and they were very supportive of my interests. I experienced a variety of different beliefs: Christian Science, Baptist, New age and agnostic worldly views. As I kept looking and reading and searching, the Catholic Church kept coming up over and over again. When I would read whatever Christian book or magazine I could find  I found myself feeling VERY lonely in my conversion walk toward Christ and the Catholic church. Though I have had support from my husband and parents at different times I still felt lonely in a way in my Christian walk. :) I would read blogs and stories of people who were raised Christian or became Christian but I just couldnt identify with the things they were talking about, well atleast their experiences and their feelings toward new things they were reading.

One BIG thing for me that was a HUGE turn off about Christianity was people doing kind acts for other people because it was what Jesus called them to do. I always thought "why cant these Christians do good things for others because it was good for the other person...wasnt a person worth caring about all on their own?" Everytime I would take one step closer to Christianity I would have to take a step back after hearing something some person would say that just rubbed me the wrong way. Like when I heard things like

" Get to know the person you are trying to convert because if you are friends they would be more likely to listen to you"

This just doesnt work for me. I would rather be friends because that other person is worth caring about and God made them just like he made me and they have the yearning for God just like I do. Like it says in 1 Peter 3:15

15 "but in your hearts reverence Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to make a defense to any one who calls you to account for the hope that is in you, yet do it with gentleness and reverence"

This is a scripture that I fell in LOVE with when I was going through my conversion. Its just beautiful and really good for my non-abrasive personality. I can always be ready to share or explain the hope in Christ with a person who asks especially if it comes from a genuine relationship. Every person has different gifts and abilities and some people may be able to make friendships with others in hopes to share the beauty of Christ and the Church and that might work for them but for me that would feel unauthentic if I did that. 

Reading Jennifer Fulwilers blog and watching her interviews have been great because I can see how my background, in a way, effects the way that I experience my faith and how I share it with others...and that its ok to be exactly who I am during my walk with Christ. I may not be an Olympian sprinter when it comes to learning about God and Catholic church teaching, I may not always be confident and sure of my understanding as some one who has studied Sacred Scripture and Church teaching but I can be me, slow and steady, sometimes stepping off course, other times falling in that mud pit and having to reach up and accept others help to get back out again and I may be just the right person that someone else needs to meet just to feel like their not alone, as Ive met in a dear friend here in NC and now through the internet with Jennifer Fulwilers conversion story. 

I know I may not seem like the ideal Christian (whatever that means) but I have confidence in Christ and it is a beautiful feeling to know that I have this amazing Church of people and teachings that can help to guide me and teach me about myself and  life. I have also learned that I must be patient, very PATIENT with some things that people say that are not actually what the Church teaches. I have had to run back to the Catechism of the Catholic Church or an encyclical to double check if what someone told me was accurate or inaccurate only to breath a heavy sigh of relief that what they said was not  in line with Church teaching. But Im thankful for moments like that because I have learned SO MUCH more about this beautiful Church from having to double check over and over again.

I have come far by the grace that God has given me and by some very wise and helpful counsel ;) Through out my whole conversion there have been many bumps, hurts, mess ups and beautiful moments. Im thankful for every person that has come in my life whether its a dear friend, a destructive friend, a friend that I have been destructive to, and all in between because I have learned and am learning to love every single one of those people whether its through praying for them now, making peace with them when I can or just trusting that Gods hand is in all things. I am thankful that God colors in many shades when he creates us and continues in creating a masterpiece as He calls us back to Himself with patience and love and lots and lots of encouragement!

Monday, September 9, 2013

Uniqueness



Tonight my husband and I watched a youtube video of a young Rabbi giving a talk on the ten commandments. It was the most amazing view of the uniqueness of God and people, individually and in relationships. It got me thinking about my personal uniqueness and that of my husband and our relationship with one another. Then I started thinking about each of our children and their uniqueness. I was washed over by the powerful thought of loving God, myself and others with this uniqueness in mind. The love would be endless and so extremely personal.

When I think of God being particularly God and having his qualities that are his very own it makes my relationship with Him even more intense and pure.

When I think about other people, each and every person as being unique in and of themselves, suddenly I don't have a strong desire to be like them because I know its just...impossible. They are them, I am me and that's it. I can sit back and love them because there is this wonderful and beautiful boundary between us that curiously brings us closer together.

And when I think of myself as being exclusively me...I am overwhelmed with excitement at not having to go outside of myself to "find" myself. Ive been there all along! I suddenly feel possessive of my past and memories instead of trying to push them away and get rid of them. Rather I feel like each and every bit of my life is part of me whether its an encouraging memory or a life learning lesson to grow from. I don't feel so scared anymore of myself or others from my past that I was in a way ruled by from fear before. If God went through all the work of making me...me...then I want to get to know that person. I want to get to know this very unique and precious God of this amazing universe and I most certainly want to delve into knowing my husband and children even more intensely because we are each so incredibly made and so exactly ourselves and no one else.

WOW...it was a great talk.

His name is Rabbi Mordechai Kraft and the video is called
The Ten Commandments of Lasting Relationships

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Sufferings





As a young woman I find myself in an interesting place. I have stepped into a life with Christ intimately and fully as  an adult and I have a trail of painful memories and  experiences in my past that I have to sometimes daily work through. It almost feels like another persons memories and life experience have been put inside of me and I have to deal with them. I have learned so much about the human person, human dignity, chastity, purity, the Relationship that IS the Trinity, what true love is, what sacrifice means, what Truth is; all from my sweet sweet Holy Mother, the Catholic Church. She has kept the Truth guarded and present for me (and all) and now I have learned what life means and who I am in Him, the very Creator of the universe. But I am left with a trail of tears from my past. Today for the first time I heavily identified with the Blessed Mother. This is where it all started. I was sitting around thinking:

" Why God, why do I have ALL of this baggage, all of this pain that I have to know is my past"
  " How come the culture lied to me and told me things would fill me but they just rotted away inside me"
          " Why did the schools teach me horrible things in sex ed classes that skewed the truth of the human body and made wonderful and intimate gifts into something that resembled
 frog anatomy posted on the wall"
" Why me, why me why me"


I know that Christ died for my sins. I know that I am forgiven and that those sins do not have a hold on my soul.  But you just cant get away from your "old" self nowadays with social media and the world becoming  smaller and smaller through social media. I mean even back in 360 AD Mary of Egypt a great Saint of the church had a massive conversion and went and lived in the desert for the rest of her life. Even back then before social media there were people that just had to get away.  Now I LOVE Mary of Egypt and Im not trying to say her path of redemption was wrong but for me I know that God doesnt give us a spirit of fear but of courage and today God showed me something. He showed me that the way I was looking at my past was through the lens of the world. He is calling me to look at myself through His eyes and through the Truth, Hes calling me to look at Him. 

Then I came across a beautiful youtube video of the Seven Sorrows of Mary. Oh my goodness, Christ answered me in the words and images of The Blessed Mother. These questions came to me 

  Did Mary plan for her life to look as it did? 
Did Mary hope for pain and sorrow?
Did she plan on a virginal pregnancy where others probably scoffed at her and talked about 
her behind her and Josephs back? 
Did she plan on having to leave the only home she knew to have her only child in a stable and then to flee and have hundreds of babies slaughtered on the road behind them? 
Did Mary plan on raising a child away from her mother? 
Did Mary plan on one day losing her God Son in the temple? 
Did she plan on the pain and complete sorrow of watching Him die on a torture device right before her eyes?

My mind was flooded with these questions and for the first time I saw myself standing with Mary. Christ has washed my sins away which I already knew but this time I could really see my self as pure, living righteously and separated from my sins. They are a sad sad part of my history but they will be my sorrows, my sufferings, my crown of thorns, my sword that pierces my heart, my cross that I lay over the mighty abyss and walk across to Christ, my cross that I kiss and carry as best as I am capable. As Mary had her sufferings that drew her closer to the Lord I also have mine. Now I know my sufferings are due to sin where Mary's are not due to her sin but the sin of the world, but like I said before, my sins are not my sins anymore, theyve been washed away (praise God) but I do have sorrow and sufferings and I can now see how the cross that I bare resembles the cross that Christ bares. The sufferings that pierce my heart resemble the sufferings that pierce Marys heart. It is the pain of this life, the fallen nature which is just part of this created world.

I might have the same pain of memories or thoughts come up again but now I feel like Christ is drawing me in closer letting me take part in His dear Mothers sufferings and one day maybe even His own.

I praise you dear Jesus and thank You for showing me the sorrow of Your Blessed Mother so that I may know that I am not alone and that my sufferings will not exist to torture me but to be a channel for Your grace.

Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for God is at work in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure Phil. 2:12-13

Monday, July 1, 2013

The Battlefield

Put on your white robe and shield yourself with virtue

Hello all! Its been awhile since Ive been able to sit down and write. I have finally emerged from my hypothyroid pit. Thyroid levels have been adjusted and Im feeling so much better. I am so thankful to be living in a time period where we have the help of medicines that can make such a huge difference in our day to day lives.

I wanted to write about a change that is happening inside me. If you happened to read my last blog about an experience of grace I had during a particularly rough depression bout, then you will know my recent changes that I have gone through spiritually.  Now that Im not experiencing thyroid depression I feel alot better but recently I still found myself feeling like I was in a  depressed mindset that I couldnt quite shake. I remember a friend of mine telling me about a book she read called the Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyers. I got to thinking about how I have taken care of my thyroid issues for now but there was something deeper going on and I wanted some freedom. I started reading her book and I watched a youtube video of Joyce Meyers called Mind and really enjoyed it. Then I got online and started looking up memory versus that I could start working on to really bring the Word of God deep within myself where I could draw upon them whenever I desired. I came across some really great ones on www.catholicnotebook.blogspot.com and some others from different places, that I wanted to share with you!

Colossians 3:2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
              ( This is a big one for meIm always so focused on figuring out what I can partake in and what I can do and have that I get really caught up on earthy things that I forget or dont even focus on the amazing things of God like the goodness of HOPE and the comfort in constant PEACE no matter the situation is.)

Philippians 4:13 I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
                             (Yes, its true He can strenghtn me in every situation. I usually only want to think about this scripture if it solely pertains to something spiritual but God is a God of everyday life to and its important to remember that He can strenghten me in my housework, in my thoughts etc.) 

Psalm 138:1 “I will praise thee with my whole heart”
                      (Wow! My whole heart that includes the broken parts too...not just the perfect stuff but all my time spent with a broken heart from broken friendships to silly highschool breakups that hurt more than people said they would, to lost dreams and painful sins that felt like losing a part of yourself) 
 
Romans 8:1  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus
                      ( I dont have to be afraid of hell and that includes hell on earth of all the wars and government wrongs. I dont have to be afraid of people pointing out past sins. Even if people say that Im damaged I am not. I am not condemned...I am raised up through Christ)
Genesis 16:13 You are the God who sees
                         (He really sees me and you. He REALLY sees whats going on inside and why weve done the things weve done. We dont have to be alone in those struggles)

Colossians 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly
                           ( This is what Im doing right now!!)
Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against enemies of blood and flesh, but against the rulers, against the  authorities, against the cosmic powers of this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.  (This is a BIG one to remember)
2nd Corinthians 10:4,5   For the weapons of our warfare are not merely human, but they have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every proud obstacle raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ. ( This is a great response to the previous scripture about who or what we are fighting against.)
John 8:31,32 Then Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, “If you continue in my word, you are truly my disciples; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” 
(This is a great one especially sine Sunday was all about discipleship!) 


I hope that these versus will  be a real blessing to you as they are becoming for me. Please insert your own thoughts and views after each verse, these are just mine :)

What Im learning from the Battlefield of the Mind is that we are not alone. God is so amazing and powerful and we can "tap" into His great Love and intimate nurturing heart anytime we want! But the greatest thing Im reading is about commitment and seeing things through. Self control is something that we can have and a committed heart is something that we can hold fast too. That may not sound very exciting but to me obedience, commitment and self control is not something that is taught hardly at all anymore just look around you or on tv or in the schools and its obvious that people are longing for some fortitude in all the virtues I listed above. I want to learn these things and be strong in them through Christ who I know will strengthen me!        

Dear Heavenly Father,

Help me to be strengthened through You and Your merciful and loving heart. Bless me with virtues and save me from my vices. I pray for commitment, obedience, fortitude and self control. Our Lady of knots pray for me in this venture. Through Christ I pray

Amen




Monday, June 24, 2013

Cries in the night



Last night while my husband and I sat up watching a movie I heard my daughter make a funny noise in her room. We paused the movie and I went in to check on her. She came almost running out of her room completely disoriented and crying. I picked her up thinking she felt sick, because last time she acted that way she threw up everywhere. I picked her up and in the most pitiful and terrified way she stated " I want my mama." When I hear her say that in the way she said it with her already in my arms something inside me clicked. I knew in that moment I would protect her from anything. I would go to the ends of the earth in search for her...it was that kind of feeling. I sat down with her after turning on the light and reassured her as to where she was and that Papa and Mama were there and that no one would hurt her and that she was safe. She eventually feel asleep staring into my eyes as we lay down next to each other and slept through the rest of the night.
    I realized while laying there that I have not been giving my children enough. I have not put the protective walls of my home high enough. I have not taken my vocation as serious as I could have in fear of rubbing someone the wrong way or having someone look at me and think that I was way over protective. I have been focusing my sights and thoughts on the wrong place. I remember reading something that really struck me enough to put in my homemakers journal.


                   You are loved and lovely, your work, your life as a homemaker and being a keeper at home  is  precious work. Never ever let anyone or anything persuade you otherwise and never allow the enemy to come in and flood your thoughts  out of your home and wash away your commitment to improve and be strengthened in your role as the wife: helper to your husband, the keeper of the home, the mother of children and the light and joy of the family. You're worth it. Be an excellent homemaker. Your family is worth it! Do good things daily.


Now I know its obvious that this is not from a Catholic source but it does sound very Biblical and thats pretty darn Catholic :) I found this one day and really thought " Wow, what I do is very important!" Well last night I was reminded that I should read this homemakers encouragment and set my eyes on Christ and then through my gaze set on Christ, my family will come into focus. I need to roll up my sleeves and start laying some ground work.

Now I must say that I have just been coming out of a pretty bad bout of depression and the light is once again shining on the horizon so I am capable of giving that extra push that I couldnt before. This is important to know. Sometimes for whatever reason we are sent a cross that seems counter to what our walk is. When I get a thyroid invoked depression and anxiety episode I cant stop thinking how I am so far from what God wants me to be and to do. But God knows where I am and He's using every second of my cross to build my family up whether it be physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually.

I am loved by God and He thinks I am lovely and He has blessed my work and life as a homemaker and has called it precious work. Even in my darkest hour I have learned to try my best at remembering that He is  our strength in our weaknesses and that He is strengthening my commitment everyday towards my call to stay at home and serve and guide my children and to serve and love my husband.

I'm excited about all the possibilities that God has set in my path and all that He is calling me to accomplish through His mighty hand and His Grace.

My prayer is that God may show you your path and that your heart will call out to you and show you your way and that you will be capable of honoring that call. For His grace is sufficient even when the thorn in our side tells us otherwise. In Jesus Holy name I pray  -Amen    Our Lady of  Knots pray for all of your children. Bring us closer to your Sons heart while you whisper our cries to Him as He sits on His throne.



        

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Commitment

I have had a total and utter break through!! It is a must share.

Since I can remember I have always felt second best, if not third, fourth or fifth. I always felt last on "the other persons" list. I dont know why but its just always how Ive felt. This is not some complaint from my childhood or anything I just had this little feeling inside that just was there, I think alot of people have little nudging feeling. Anyway, I remember hearing many of the Saints saying to Our Lord
" I can resist You no longer" 
and whenever I heard this I thought, oh I will never be so holy to feel that way. I will never experience such grace as they did to feel that way about Christ. Christ will never pursue me in a way where I would resist Him. I, in some ways thought I was just made to take the left overs that were left out for whoever. This little feeling increased over the years and led me into some ugly situations. I believe alot of the depression I struggle with has much to do with the hurt I gained from the years of what I thought was the best I could get. Well lately God has been doing something to me...something BIG and extravagant. He has been in some ways leading me into the desert.

                                                 Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
                                                     Bring her into the wilderness
                                                                      Hosea 2:14

And let me tell you this dessert was NOT lavished with an Oasis. Or atleast what I saw was a heavy rough desert filled with the heat of anxiety and the poisonous vipers of depression. But He knew where I had to walk, He knew where I needed to go.

                                 Therefore, behold, I will hedge up her way with thorns,
                       And I will build a wall against her so that she cannot find her paths.
                                                                      Hosea 2:6


I kept struggling walking in circles likes the Isrealites in their desert for 40 years. I kept walking around the same old things over and over again. Id walk around that old rock of " If only I had done things different" or the prickly cactus of " Why did I do that. How could I do THAT" and I could never seem to get away from the dry pit of  " I will always be 'that' girl. Who's going to love me?"

Now I want to stop there for a minute to clarify something. When we are led into the desert God is usually not the only one there. You know who Im talking about. Lets look at Matthew 4:1

                     Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.

This is a point that is so crucial, so important. Im not going to stand here and say things like " The devil made me do it" or " Satan has all this power" NO NO NO...He doesnt have any power. He trembles at the thought and at the sight of God and that includes at the sight of God within us.

So here I was rolling around being tormented by these thoughts and words that had ABSOLUTELY no power. Now when Im in that kind of despair it feels like I have no power but one of the main things I wanted to share today was a power that Ive always had but never exercised until recently. I have the power to be COMMITED. I can be commited to something or someone even if I cant stand it or Im tired or whatever.

So a while back I was literally in a really bad place and I was struggling with another bout of depression and trying to figure out what I needed to change: food, more sleep, what was my thyroid doing, which are all valid things to look into. And I was searching through out all of my past stuff and just wallowing in guilt and pain and then my pain changed to anger that this was my life with all the junk of my past. Then in a moment of utter despair I said out loud to God "Ok Lord, thats it. I am going to remain with you but I dont love it. I have lost my desire to be here with you, but Im not going to go anywhere. I know I wouldnt want to be loved the way I am going to love you but this is all I can do." THERE...that is the power of commitment. This may sound like no big deal to you and honestly in that moment in felt horrible. It felt like I was giving up all my dreams and hopes and happiness and joy just to stay in a relationship with God that didnt even seem all that good. After that I got the weirdest sense of a calmness inside. I wasnt happy. No, if anything I was terribly sad, but calm at the same time.

I found a break  from the desert and went back to regular life for a while. But lo and behold another bad bout of depression was around the corner and this one was not good at all. And of course I spent it doing all the old same old things: asking "why", what do I do, " Is this really the past Im going to have forever" etc.  But again I grabbed hold of my only strength which was my ability to commit to God. I kept saying to Him    " Where else am I going to go" as St. Peter said to Jesus over 2000 years ago. I kept thinking on the Churchs teaching on human dignity and how no where else in all the books Ive read and groups of people Ive been around never had I heard so beautifully put or exquisitely explained as in Catholic teaching on human dignity and how I kept saying to God "where else am I going to go" He is the only one in all of existence that has the truth about my dignity and I knew I didnt want to go anywhere else. So I tried to find some answers searching in all the same places I got on the internet and looked up different Catholic speakers that I like and that are encouraging but I felt like no one was as bad as I was and no one knew what I was going through and I could tell I was right back there in that old desert being tempted to wallow in all the old pain. A friend of mine had recently sent me a really beautiful picture and I was sitting looking at it. This is it.



I just sat there staring at it. Then I got up and walked in the kitchen with tears just rising up in me. And suddenly I experienced the sweetest moment of grace Ive ever had. I literally said outloud from my soul "Thank You Lord. Thank You" I knew that it was grace because nothing physical could be the reason for that. I have never experienced in all my years of depression a moment like that. And in that moment I happened to look over at the window and saw a small picture I have of Christ being crucified with the flames of purgatory beneath Him with angels collecting His precious blood in little chalices. And I was flooded internally with the gift of knowing that all of this pain in depression was a purifying suffering. I would never let myself believe before that I could be worthy of purifying suffering because I always felt like the sins I had comminted in the past were choices and any pain I had was deserved but could not be used for His Glory. Boy, was I wrong. God showed me in that moment that He indeed was using this great suffering for a DEEP purification within my soul and possibly through out the world.

 Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I do my share on behalf of His body, which is the church, in filling up what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions. 
Colossians 1:24

I didnt quite know what to do with myself. But I remembered reading somewhere that reading the Bible could help you to receive a partial indulgence to help to release any tempory punishment for sins.

The Handbook of Indulgences states, "A partial indulgence is granted the Christian faithful who read sacred Scripture with the veneration due God’s word and as a form of spiritual reading. The indulgence will be a plenary one when such reading is for at least one-half hour" (80).

My understanding of receiving an indulgence was not completely accurate but I think God used that thought to lead me to His written Word. I went to get the Bible and I just opened it up and when I looked down and began reading I came across these very words 

So Jesus said to the twelve, “You do not want to go away also, do you?” Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life.
John 6:67-68

My heart poured over the very words that I had been saying to God over and over the past few days of my deep depression. In that moment I knew without a doubt that God surely did exist and that He was showing me that He had been listening to every word I had spoken to Him. I felt FREE, free to be me and to love Him. I felt free to be proud of God and to not be ashamed of loving Him in front of others. I felt free to tell my children about Him and I felt free to know and love myself and my family.

So throughout that hard time in the desert of on going depression this is what God had intended for me


           Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
            Bring her into the wilderness
            And speak kindly to her.
      Then I will give her her vineyards from there,
            And the valley of Achor as a door of hope.
            And she will sing there as in the days of her youth,
            As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.
Hosea 2:14-15 


Now I know Im not from Egypt and I definitly dont know where Achor is, but I can really understand the main purpose of what God is accomplishing within me. I have a committed heart now and my vineyard is filled with hope. I never felt that feeling of commitment inside like I do now. I am truly learning what Love really is and how to stick around long enough to really experience His purifying love. I know its hard to read my experience with Christ and fully understand it since it was an experience in my soul with Him, but I wanted to share this in hopes that someone might not feel so alone the way I did when I would search for someone that was like me or someone that could relate with how I felt. And maybe thats not the purpose of me writing all this down. Maybe God has a greater purpose then I can see and I will just have to wait to see His hand at work. 

I dont know what God has in store for me in the future and if depression and anxiety are part of my future walk but now I know I am deeply loved and sought after by Him. And finally to sum up what my heart has finally come to realize...


I can resist Him no longer. I am His
~Rhianon 



Monday, June 10, 2013

Good morning anxiety...good morning depression

Good morning hardship. Good morning huge list of things to do today. Good morning expensive health care. Good morning life.

    This is how Im feeling this morning...in one word, overwhelmed. I use to ask myself the question "What am I doing too much of" or " What should I be doing less of" But having struggled with depression on and off over the years, those are not really the questions to ask. Especially because those questions come with a mind spiraling effect of wondering what I should do next. That may not sound like a lot but when youre having a hard time putting more thoughts in your mind really does NOT help. If anything I refrain from asking myself questions, period. Here is a generel list of ways in which I try to live during these times ( I hope this will be helpful to you).

1. First I have to think whats going on with my thyroid levels, since my thyroid is under active.

   2. Anxious and depressed times are to be treated with gentleness and care. I can only be gentle with myself during this time and request (if possible) for others to be as gentle as possible with me during this time. It is very very hard to be gentle with yourself atleast in your mind but its sooo important to try to be kind in your thoughts if possible-sometimes its not possible. I know thats a whole bunch of "possibles" but I put those in for a reason :)

  3. I had a dear friend that once said to me " I am an alcoholic so I stay away from bars and places where alcohol is served. You have anxiety and struggle with depression, you need to think of your self  in the way that I see myself as an alcoholic. As I stay away from bars and such, you need to stay away from places and things that generate anxiety and triggers in you"
      This is fantastic advice. If Im struggling with past mistakes I shouldnt read novels that have those mistakes in them or if the wheel in my mind is fixated on who I should be I need to stay away from movies and shows that personify those ideals that Im thinking about, for example if Im thinking all my problems would be answered if I was a homesteader out in beautiful mountains than I should NOT watch a homesteading DVD where only the picturesque details of the peoples lives are shown. I hope you get the idea.

4. Dont make any big life changing decisions. I once was in a bout of depression and felt like my life didnt have meaning so I got the idea in my head that if I went back to school things would be better. I went through the whole process of registeriing, getting in to the university, paying for the class and attending the class and then realized I was pregnant and my hormones were off and that had brought about that feeling of "If I were doing this...then... life would be better"  Im not saying people shouldnt try to expand their experiences and live out dreams. Im just saying to not choose those dreams and experiences when in an anxious time or try make decisions out of the thoughts  that are plaguing a persons mind while depressed.

5. I also like to call someone that can really listen or that can identify with me. I prefer not to call someone thats going to get all worked up and try to help fix my problem. Its a good idea to say at the beginning of the conversation that I just need to talk or have someone to relate with.

6. Simple hand consuming actions like crocheting, kneading bread, puzzles, coloring with your kids or drawing. I dont like sewing at these times because theres too much thought in it for me. I like to crochet hats because its so simple and you can turn them into baskets by flipping them over and crocheting a handle. They make great Little red Riding baskets for daughters and if big enough can be used as an awesome over the shoulder, across the chest bag for a boy to carry adventurous toys in!

Overall I just have had to learn to function even if minimal during these times. Im obviously not a doctor and dont have any authority on this matter. I just know what its like to be hurting and to feel so sad and feel alone and its nice to know there are other people out there that are walking the same path. Its important to me to realize that I can still have a life that is worth living out and though it may not be great by all peoples standards I feel that if God went through the process of dreaming me up even when He knew all the outcomes, creating me by His masterful mind and loving me enough to pull me up out of the guck by His Sons mighty hand then my life is worth living and worth trying to enjoy even in the hard times if possible.  My hope is that if youre reading this that it may be a help to you or atleast to give you insight into what someone you know may be going through.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

That voice in your head




I wrote this short story after a dear friend told me I needed "do away with" the voice in my head that is negative and hurtful. The voice that most of us accumulate over time. I wanted to share it now with you and hope that it touches your ehart the way it touched mine as I wrote it.

The hidden road seemed to be there in plain sight to me. Though many would pass it, there it stood calling to me like an unwanted companion that refused to leave. My feet rarely could keep away from the black gravel that covered the old dirt road. The sharp and piercing branches scratching me along the way, pulling at my clothes and hair yet my body pressing on as if pulled by some force beyond my control. The wind whispering through the leaves speaking words of poison in my ears

“You are worthless
How dare you love yourself
Who are you to say no when you don’t want to do something”

I grasp my ears and my body flinches from the pain of the familiar words, though my feet press on. Terrifying images dwell upon this hidden road. I see terrible and ugly creatures torturing innocents young and old. To the right, images of forced expectations filled with manipulations. I close my eyes but I can still see it all, embedded in my mind.
The feeling of scratching branches suddenly becomes grabbing hands and clenched fists. I cannot escape. I cry out but no one hears me. My voice is silenced by the desires of others. I am alone, I am forgotten, and I am invisible.
Suddenly in front of me down the path a figure appears. She slowly makes her way toward me. She smells of death and is dragging something behind her slowly. As she gets closer she seems almost beautiful, but as I look as her I see a most terrifying smile on her face, wicked and evil. She gestures to the bag behind her and turns back and points at me. I feel alone and scared. She seems to have a power over me. Then I realize what she is saying to me. She wants me to be in the bag, trapped and lifeless. As if she knows what I’m thinking her smile widens and her eyes brighten. I try to run but I cant, I try to scream but I have no voice.
Then all around me the evil images come closer and closer, the innocent ones disappear and all the ugliness and torturous desires are aimed at me. .I hear the wind again

“You are worthless
How dare you love yourself
Who are you to say no when you don’t want to do something”

I look at the woman in front of me as her smile fades and her lips begin to move with the wind. I feel overcome, overpowered. She is the one, she is the wind, she is the power behind these torturers, and she created this road for me.
My knees get weak and I begin to fall. The terrifying creatures are getting closer and the sky is getting darker. She hovers over me whispering terrible things. I am surrounded, I have no choices, and no one cares about me, only about themselves. I can’t say no, I can’t care about what I need, I am ugly and unwanted. I begin to see people from my whole life. They are coming close to me and begin to yell at me…

“I want you to do this and I don’t care if you don’t want to”
“You are nothing and no one cares about you”
“No one will ever really love you and no one will ever want to get to
know you”
“You are a failure and I will always be disappointed in you”


I cover my ears but the screaming has become part of me now, I cannot get away.The wind blows again and I hear the words that hurt the most

No one would miss you if you were gone
They would only miss needing you or using you
You mean nothing

I begin to weep…to sob. I feel light headed and weak and no one cares. The woman before me pulls her bag toward me. The road has become pitch black now. All I can see is nothingness all around me and all there is are sounds.
But then there appears a light, a small iridescent light way off in the distance. It is warm and peaceful. I can feel my hand upon my chest; my heart in agony. Then deep in my heart I hear a voice

“They all want and need you to be this way so that they can survive. They are preying upon you. But you don’t have to do this. You don't have to live this way.”

The voice is so sure and so loving. I look deep into the light. I speak through my heart to this light

"Can I really stand up?"

The voice responds

"Yes"

I ask the light

"Will you help me?"

Again, it responds to me

"Yes I will"

I begin to feel strength returning to my body. As I begin to push off the ground I hear screeching and screaming. The light slowly grows consuming the darkness. I can see the woman standing over me. All the people and creatures have vanished. The woman has lost her wicked smile. She looks angry. But I hold onto the words spoken to me. I look her dead in the eyes and say

"You have no power over me
You can not hurt me any longer
I have listened to you most of my life and all you have given me is pain
You have worked through others and you have worked through me
But from now on you are dead to me
You no longer exist."

She doesn't move. She stands there with fury surrounding her. The small light has flooded me. I can feel it all around me. I feel safe and strong. I don’t feel stupid or confused. I realize she has to go away, she has to die. I don’t want to kill her. I feel sad for her and I don’t want to hurt anyone. Suddenly the voice in my heart speaks very strongly

She is not a person
She is manifested evil
She can not be forgiven or loved
She is not in true reality

I look at her and realize I have had a misplaced sympathy all this time for her and she preyed upon that. With that I spoke the light to her

The light is my true love
He is my saving love
You don’t exist
Go away and never come back

She vanishes before me as does every scary and disturbing thing. The road is not cheerful but it is peaceful and I walk on the road. I, the true and real me walks on this road and I am safe and I am allowed to love myself, the light is teaching me.



Saturday, April 20, 2013

Anxiety





I desire righteousness not understanding...my mantra for the day. One of those days of deep breathing and tightly squeezed eyes while my heart beats quick in my chest. Past memories, trying to understand purpose of those times, trying to figure out "who I am" are all plaguing me today. But as I found myself deep in the old familiar confusing place of trying to figure everything out and things not making very much sense to me the thought came to me how God loves the cry of praise from the heart that is hurting or the soul that doesnt feel joyful. So I raised my heart up and praised Him for being Him and suddenly the mantra came to me: I desire righteousness not understanding for He gives peace that surpasses understanding and I felt so much more at peace. Then its like God was explaining to me that its His job to figure it all out and its my job to  just try to make righteous choices and to trust in His Truth and His mercy. Mercy has always bothered me alittle bit because it  made me feel like I was so bad and I needed this MERCY to come down and make me something better. But His mercy is just that He loves me so much and sees all that I have to go through and He is so awesome that He doesnt want to let me just sit here alone and have to go through this alone. He comes and sits with me and gives me peace, so that i can function and thrive.c

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Depression



Having a very hard day today. Depression seems to be over coming my thoughts and my actions. Im feeling like Im not good enough, like I  never do enough, feeling incapable. That anxious feeling I have gets my heart pounding faster when I let it in. Ive done some things to try to stop the wheel thats turning in my head...

I did a reading lesson with my son
Made a quiche
In the process of letting homemade bread rise
Cut pieces for my sons quilt Im working on
Washed the table cloth and laid it back on the table all pretty and clean

But through doing those things all I can think about are all the things Im supposed to be doing or what I think my family wants me to be doing. I tell my son whenever he gets something in his mind and cant stop thinking about it that he has to try to stop the wheel from turning by doing something or trying to think of something else. So Im trying to take my own advice and bake, sew, clean but it is hard to stop that darn wheel. Its amazing how no matter what changes in a persons life there is always a struggle. For me my struggle in tightly related to my thyroid levels. I missed a few days of my Armour and Im now feeling it.  Its so important to remember that these feelings are going to pass and that in a few days I will not feel the same...heck in a few hours Ill probably feel alittle better.  
This is what I need to remember

I am loved
I have great purpose because I exist
I may not be doing AB or C but I am doing something
                 like making yummy homemade bread for my family
I have 4 people that I can help to feel loved and nurtured every day, in a way that only I can!

Im going to be ok. Im going to feel better  soon and even if I dont I can remember that its just a feeling or some type of imbalance with in my body and it will level out. And in the mean time my house is clean, my kids are fed and are playing and my husband has lunch and a love note on his computer from his wife and here I am writing and enjoying sitting with nice posture for one :) Its gonna be ok.

Thank You Lord for showing my purpose and my value
(I like to share these feelings to help other women know theyre not alone in their daily lives and struggles-it ALWAYS encourages me when I hear another women share her hardships to know that I am not the only one and that she and I do not have to go at this alone)